sleep deprivation2.0

I was waiting at a stoplight at 5:34 or thereabouts this morning on my way home.

a man was walking towards me. behind him I could see two gray shopping carts, both plastic, both filled to over brimming with plastic bags. they were attached to his torso with rope, and he was slowly tugging them up a hill. he had a hat, what looked like a gray fu-man-chu, and a thin blue sweatshirt; it was about 25 degrees F outside. he went slowly but determinedly and, by the time the light turned green, was bearing right, emitting large and desperate looking clouds of gray vapor from his haggard mouth. I wondered where he could've been walking towards and where he could have been. I wonder how close people are to falling back on this. I wondered who this person was, and what circumstances led to this, what circumstances kept him there, how many of those circumstances have a realistic probability of occurring in my life or the life of someone close to me.

now it's 9:13a and I'm at work, staring at a cup of black coffee and a bland lcd monitor. In 7 hours and 47 minutes, I'll go home, to my parents' house, and sleep. I'll stare at a bland CRT monitor. I'll wonder what it is I'm doing, and I'll attempt to do something productive with my time.

that guy will just be pulling his carts. or digging through trash.

I'll be driving to diners, drinking coffee.

he'll be begging change and trying to stay warm.

I'll be writing code, playing computer games.

he'll be looking for shelter or maybe better clothing.

my point is that I haven't one. things simply are.

twelve thirteen

it's the final day of the semester. i'm leaving tomorrow. there were no teary goodbyes or anything. just a near-empty dining hall and a rush of dorm cleaning.

the night's not over, though. perhaps there will be some more of this.

sigh

drove to indy...it went well, we made good time...we were lost as soon as we hit the urban. it was astounding, the rapidity with which we completely lost our way. it took two hours of yelling, driving wildly, and swearing to finally find the place, around which we had been driving in a 5 mile diameter circle. a stoned jamaican gas station attendant finally directed us there, more or less. he laughed and laughed at us because we looked so freaked out, but were only about 3 minutes away. we ended up being almost an hour late, but still got an hour and a half of Jandek.

we got a spot in a massive parking garage afterwards and walked around hunting for a place that would feed two hungry vegetarians and a vegan, all of whom hadn't eaten anything substantial in almost 9 hours...we settled on a bizarre pizza restaurant filled with silent televisions, pacer paraphernalia, and nascar decorations. ritzy-suit-wearing people ate along side of us. i guess they need food too. the music in the restaurant was a very strange house-mix XM radio station. its tackiness was oppressing; we sat mostly in silence.

we came back only after finding a place that wasn't starbucks and would sell us coffee. on the way back to the car, a homeless man trudged by us carrying a cup of change. he mumbled something that i couldn't understand, but he was addressing us, and i assumed he was asking for some change...i felt really bad; the dude was just offering us directions, and i had mumbled "sorry man, i don't have anything." any other time i would've paid attention to him; if he wanted money i'dve given to him, if i wasn't in such a rush. i always give people money when they ask me on the street (unless they're incredibly sketchy, which most people aren't). i was pretty cold and stressed, though, so i had that weird reaction. he told us how to get to capitol street, anyway. it got us back to the car. the ride home was uneventful, its soundtrack was an entire sun ra album.

jandek was quality. his whole band was pretty tight. i was impressed with every member. jandek himself looked like william burroughs. which is beautiful and sad, i think.

i'm glad we made the trip, despite all the stress of getting there...

damn my coherency, where'd it come from?